Why?
by Kyae
Summary: Why do they always have to leave? No matter what I do, at the end of the day they still move away, shrink back from my touch...I don’t want to hurt them – I need them... And they need ME…at least they did…" Akito has lost everything, but what about hope?
1. Why?

**This is my first fanfic, and it's a one chapter page, it's set between books 20 and 21, when Akito has just stabbed , and is about to meet Tohru, and her thoughts are flying around in confusion on what has happened.**

**Please rate and review, as I am eager to be told where I can improve in my writing**

**enjoy**

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Why do they _always _have to leave?

No matter what I do, at the end of the day they still move away, shrink back from my touch.

I don't want to hurt them – I need them

And they need ME…at least they did…

Everyone always said that the bond was…was "unbreakable", "karmic"…_right_

So why did they leave? –

How was I supposed to know it was _wrong_, the way I acted… no one ever told me… said I was hurting them… they just closed their eyes and endured it…

-I never meant to hurt them, Yuki… Shigure… Hatori… but why did they never tell me… And Kureno… he always stood there… resolute… calm… a statue… he saw, _knew_ everything I'd done…

_And he never told me it was wrong?_

Why couldn't he have just left me… that dark day… when all ended… if he had, maybe, just maybe… I'd be different – better, even…

Why didn't he just tell me I was being destroyed by that "bond"… no, not a "bond"… that_ curse!_

Why did he carry on letting me be consumed by that void of hate, and darkness, and despair… choosing to save me halfway… saving me… then abandoning me again…?

Why did he keep all those secrets from me as I grew up… about the "outside" world, the world I was kept from… and the world which I therefore forced the others from entering… because_ I DIDN'T KNOW!_

His… his kindness… pity… it's been eating at me… how can I go on, knowing that I've been kept in the dark… knowing that their pretty words have been blotting out the stars, and the shining moon… leaving me cold… and defenceless… without me even realising it…?

And this "common sense" they're suddenly talking about… how could they have kept something so… so _important_away from me… never telling me that that stupid box was just a stupid box… and letting me believe that my father was th-…

I was always left out… wasn't I?

Always left behind… no matter how much I reached… _yearned_ to be part of that circle… and now I've destroyed it… watched it crumble and pushed it forwards… not realising at the time… but never stopping to repair the damage I had done…

Yuki… I hurt him, made him hate me… destroyed his spirits and abandoned him… and yet thanks to this "curse" he was forced to return to my abuse… again… and again… and again…

Kureno… I forced him to stay… he could have left any day he wanted to… and yet he suffered so I wouldn't… why was he so… stupid?

Hatori… even though I destroyed his life… and his love… he still stayed… why? Why did he remain here? How could he forgive me…?

And Shigure… my Shigure… I betrayed him… and forced him out… and yet he still loved me…

_But he hurt me too!_

He went..with _HER!_ That, woman… the woman who calls herself my _mother_. The woman that said she was loved more than me… and she was… for a while… when he went to her, to spite me!

"_If I blame someone else…no matter how much time passes… I won't be able to change…"_

What's that supposed to mean?

"He won't be able to change"…

It can't be changed! Nothing that has happened can be changed! And he still thinks…

But what if he's right?

If everything is meant to change…

Yuki…

Shigure…

The zodiac…

But what about me?

What can I do…?

Where can I go from now…?

Why is life doing this to me…?

How did this happen…?

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**Even though I am only planning this to be a one-shot, I will add more, if anyone else wants more (just in case, though I doubt it)**

**Please read my other work (The Melting Snow) If you liked this fanfiction, It's an installment one, and the first few chapters are up.**


	2. But what about me?

**AN: Okay, so I was looking through my old stories and realised that I had written a fan-fic and posted it when I first came onto the site, but that it was a perfect opportunity for a sequel!**

**So here you go, the sequal to "Why...?", titled: "But what about me...?"**

**Please enjoy, and review...**

**Kaytii/**

But what about me?

What can I do…?

Where can I go from now…?

Why is life doing this to me…?

How did this happen…?

Why so I feel as if I'm being _drowned_ from the inside out…?

I feel as if everyone's leaving me… and maybe they are…

Where did I begin to go wrong… where did I make that first, fatal mistake…?

When did I first become this pitiful wreck that stands before anyone, a figure of fear… and of reverence?

I never wanted to be like this – and that is the irrevocable truth…

I just wanted to live a normal life, with normal people, being who I truly was, and not living a lie.

Why did she make me live a lie? Why did that _woman_ hate me so much that she made me lie to the world…?

All I've _ever_ known is how to pretend, and how to deceive, and how to lie to others… It's all that I am. A lie.

My life was over the day I was born.

I had heard that so many times, from those stupid gossiping maids, and from the doctors… Why couldn't they just leave me alone to lead a life of my own…?

Why did I have to be cursed to bear it, and to rule over them all…?

**Over** them and not **with** them… never with anyone who could possibly understand me…

… But he did…

My loyal Inu…

Shigure…

He had always been there for me, whenever the nightmares came to haunt me… with images of terrifying monsters, and my fears… it was the only place I ever felt truly vulnerable… in that place I wasn't god, I was just nobody, and it was literally destroying annihilating all that I was, that I am… all that I could be…

**That** was why I didn't want them all to leave; why I didn't want the curse to break… because I feared that if I did my nightmares would truly become a reality, and I'd be on my own to struggle through with them.

At least while they were still just in my head I had had Shigure to soothe me, and to make me feel better…

… But now the curse was breaking, slipping away… and I couldn't grab hold of it quickly enough… and it terrified me…

My mother was right, and she had been all along…

It really was the truth…

They **all** were going to leave me, abandon me…

… But not because the bonds were fake – they weren't…

… They were going to leave me because of what I had done to them – because I had pushed them too far, and now they wouldn't take the abuse I had thrown at them…

… It didn't matter whether or not the curse was broken anymore… although I wish dearly that it **was** broken… it doesn't matter if it's broken or not because they're **still** going to leave me, no matter how much I protest, or scream, or make a fuss about it…

So… yeah… Now I know what I must do in order to let them happy… because now I know for certain that if I'm around… then there will never be just happiness in their hearts… because there will be **fear** there as well… and **pity**… deep down in their hearts there will always be something else there… So I must leave…

… On my own, without a fuss…

… Just leave this world for all eternity…

… But why are my hands trembling as I think these things…?

Why does my body reject 'The End' so much…?

Why is my soul clinging on so desperately to that little piece of hope that I have…?

Even when I know that **that** piece of hope is long gone… because of what I have done to him…

"I'm so, so sorry Shigure… I wish I hadn't done any of that to you… but it's too late now, isn't it…?" I cried to myself as I huddled down, wrapped around myself under the shelter of the tall, looming… **judging** trees.

This will be my final resting place…


	3. A new life

**The final Instalment to 'why?', released EXACTLY a year after its first installment.**

**In fact - this was the first fanfiction I ever wrote, so i hope you like it.**

**This is a nice, short and sweet finish, so please enjoy, and review.**

**Kyae**

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_This will be my final resting place…_

Through the darkness I could hear the cries of the wronged, all of them, calling out to me, to be changed...

Made right.

But I couldn't do it – how could I?

I was pathetic, I had failed...

I had allowed the dark to consume me, and now I couldn't even breathe, I was being suffocated so much.

Being smothered by the hate that I had dished out to the others...

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..."

I could hear the whisper throughout the whole of the woods, each time getting louder and louder, until all I could do was sob out the words, anything to get the pain in my heart to stop.

_I'm sorry..._

And then, when the feelings were about to reach their peak – when I could almost feel them _destroying_ me, they stopped.

I felt warmth, driving out the coldness that was consuming my soul, blocking out the pain.

A strong pair of arms wrapped around me, keeping out the agonising thoughts that kept trying to consume me.

But I knew that he too would hate me if he knew what I had done – just like everyone else does...

"I'm sorry..."

"I know, my dear Akito..." The deep baritone voice spoke into my ear, its calmness soothing me as I relaxed slightly.

"I-I didn't mean to... I just... wanted it to stop..."

"The pain..." He finished, moving to my side, crouching, before facing me, letting my dark eyes see into his beautiful brown ones.

I wanted to turn away, to make sure that he wouldn't see the taint that was in my very being, but he wouldn't allow it.

He wanted to see _all_ of me.

To know everything about me.

He was the first to ever want that.

To want to know _me_.

I sat there, in his arms, thinking, deep down...

And praying.

I didn't need them all... not really...

No one could have _everything_.

There will always be something out of my grasp...

But maybe I can cope with that.

I don't need them, not now.

If they come back, then I'll accept them, but I won't force them to do what they never want to.

It would only hurt me further...

As long as I am in these strong, safe arms, protected from the world freely...

As long as he stays with me of his own free will.

As long as he wants me for _who I am_, rather than because I force him to.

Then I can cope without the love and adoration of the others.

I can cope without the bond.

I can release them from the curse that has consumed us all.

As long as he's with me...

"I always have been - you just never realised it..." He whispered, and I could feel something within me feel lighter, happier than it had ever been in my life.

Because for the first time, I was wanted.

And that was what had always mattered to me the most.

To love, and be loved in return.

Despite what I did to them all.


End file.
